Can Validation Defuse Conflicts and Create Meaningful Connections?

Mastering the art of validation transforms conflicts into connections, as psychologist Brittany Jordan-Arthur demonstrates in her strategic approach to communication, fostering understanding, trust, and empowered problem-solving in even the most emotionally charged situations. Brittany Jordan-Arthur faced a disagreement with her 7-year-old daughter one recent morning. The young girl resisted going to summer camp, finding various excuses to stay back. Instead of showing frustration, which could have made her daughter more stubborn, Jordan-Arthur, a psychologist at McLean Hospital affiliated with Harvard, chose to utilize a valuable communication technique: validation.

The act of validation, much like any skill, becomes more natural with practice and proves most beneficial during crucial moments. Below, discover what validation entails and how to effectively apply it (1^✔ ✔Trusted Source
Validation: Defusing intense emotions

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What is the Concept of Validation? Validation is an approach that aids in making individuals feel acknowledged and empathized. This technique holds particular value when dealing with emotionally charged situations. By validating someone, you demonstrate your comprehension of their emotions and perspective, even if you disagree. This process fosters trust, establishing a sense of support and openness to discuss potential solutions.

This dynamic played out in Jordan-Arthur's interaction with her daughter. She recalls, "I simply sat down with her and acknowledged, 'You're really not enthusiastic about going.' This instance exemplifies understanding without prescribing a course of action, allowing her to come to the decision herself. Consequently, we left without the need for further explanations."

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Challenges in Effectively Practicing Validation

Validation stands at the core of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), designed for individuals experiencing intense emotions . While many integrate elements of validation into their daily conversations with family, friends, and colleagues, they often fall short, notes Jordan-Arthur. How does this happen?

"People might initiate validation and then immediately follow it up with prescriptive advice or directives about what the person should have done or must do," she explains. "This prevents the validation from truly sinking in, akin to applying anti-itch cream and hastily washing it off."

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How to Practice Validation?

Jordan-Arthur imparts the following guidelines for effectively validating someone else:

1. Offer your complete attention
2. Make eye contact and nod, indicating your interest
3. Reflect on their sentiments by rephrasing their message, like saying, "It seems you're more bothered by this situation today compared to yesterday"
4. Articulate the unspoken aspects, such as, "I understand that you're feeling unproductive due to this obstacle," or "It sounds like you're quite frustrated"
5. Allow time for the validation to take effect. Let it sink in before attempting to address the problem

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Does Validation Endorse Problematic Behavior?

It's important to note that validation doesn't equate to condoning negative or bothersome behavior, emphasizes Jordan-Arthur. It isn't about offering reassurance when it's not warranted.

"There might be concerns about inadvertently conveying approval of their behavior or agreement with their choices," she clarifies. "However, by pausing and validating their emotions at the moment, prior to any unwise decisions, validation achieves the opposite outcome."

Instead of approving of unfavorable behavior, try using these phrases:

"I acknowledge that this holds significance for you."

"I can perceive how distressing/difficult/scary this has been for you."

Validating Teenagers

Validating adolescents shares similarities with the approach Jordan-Arthur adopted with her 7-year-old, although the issues they face tend to be more complex. For instance, teenagers often grapple with unfavorable teacher interactions or perceive teachers as excessively strict. "Parents frequently feel compelled to defend the teacher and their perspective, saying things like, 'The teacher isn't as bad as you think' or 'I'm sure they mean well,'" describes Jordan-Arthur. "By the time a child reaches their teenage years, they possess this skill too, though it might take them a while to utilize it."

Use these Phrases when Validating Teenagers

"I understand that you don't feel respected."

"It's tough to feel powerless."

"Feeling that your teacher holds control over your academic performance is challenging."

Importantly, you can validate their feelings even if you disagree with their perspective.

Validation for Adults

Applying validation to fellow adults, whether in personal or professional contexts, involves a similar approach. For instance, when a colleague feels undervalued at work, you might say, "It's completely reasonable that you're feeling frustrated. I know how much your work means to you."

During disagreements with a partner or spouse, it's possible to acknowledge their genuine feelings despite differing opinions. A phrase like, "I can tell that this matter holds great significance for you, and you want me to pay attention to your viewpoint," can be effective.

Additionally, be attuned to their body language during intense moments. After validating their emotions but before suggesting potential solutions, observe signs of their calming down, such as slower breathing and gestures.

Jordan-Arthur recommends counting to ten internally before responding. This approach prevents prematurely moving past the validation stage, allowing the other person to transition from feeling wronged to independently resolving the issue.

Reference:

1. Validation: Defusing intense emotions - (https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/validation-defusing-intense-emotions-202308142961)

Source-Medindia