Healing
In the previous generation, the only known response to infidelity in marriage was to ignore it whenever possible. Even to this day in some traditional Asian societies, women are advised to turn a blind eye to their husband’s infidelity as long as it does not upset the family set-up. In fact, the affair was dubbed a symptom of underlying problems in a marriage and the wife was accused of not rising to the husband’s expectation.
In the US, the concept that marital short comings prompted affairs was challenged by a psychiatrist, Dr. Frank Pittman in the 1980s in his best selling book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.” According to Dr. Pittman, men are afraid of intimacy and “infidelity is primarily an escape from intimacy.”
A feminist generation of experts on infidelity, mainly women such as Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, who wrote "After the Affair," (HarperCollins, 1997), and Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" (Newmarket Press, 1998), contended that family therapists trying to save a marriage often ended up blaming the victim and re-traumatizing the betrayed partner by attributing the affair to marital discord.
There are several approaches to marriage therapy after a cheating spouse has been exposed. Once the lid is blown the betrayed spouse suffers an emotional upheaval—mainly bouts of anger, “emotional numbing”, anxiety and severe depression resulting in sleeplessness and loss of appetite. The cheated partner most often indulges in “accusatory suffering”— obsessively referring to an affair that has ended, even though the spouse who strayed is repentant, has ended the affair and has become loving and caring.
Several studies have shown that anger doesn’t diffuse the crisis in a marriage troubled by an unfaithful spouse. Dr. Frederick DiBlasio from the University of Maryland has researched extensively on the role of apology and forgiveness in family therapy and psychotherapy since 1990. Dr. DiBlasio’s therapy is based on his belief in the power of forgiveness and the cognitive therapist’s confidence in the “power of the directed mind to overrule emotional impulse.” Dr. DiBlasio agrees that the desired healing within a marriage disturbed by an instance of infidelity cannot happen in a day.
In the first therapeutic session with Dr. DiBlasio, the couple will be required to write a contract of behavior intended to prevent future infidelities. The unfaithful partner may take up an “accountability” partner (of the same sex) similar to that of an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor, in order to have an eye on him or her and to ensure that the person lives up to the terms and conditions drawn up by the troubled couple.
An infidelity therapy called forgiveness based-marital intervention developed by three US psychologists –Dr. Don Baucom, Dr. Kristina Coop Gordon and Dr. Doug Snyder attempted “to take forgiveness out of the mystical realm and into the psychological” realm for effective treatment of emotional scars.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) views infidelity through the “attachment theory” and makes room for couples in a fractured relationship to acknowledge and express pain, regret, and set right the emotional bonds that may have loosened in the course of an extramarital affair.
Therapists who help couples recover from the aftermath of an affair advise them to rebuild trust—in themselves, in their marriage. Given the complexity of the issue of infidelity, there isn’t a single formula that can claim to heal the wounds inflicted by infidelity on a marriage because a lot of the healing depends on the individuals involved in the issue.
In the process of rebuilding a marriage after an affair, spouses need to deal with the sense of betrayal, cope with suspicion, find effective sources of emotional support and most important of all, take care of children in a way they don’t feel neglected but enjoy the love of the father and the mother.
Marriage counselors suggest the following tips for couples undergoing the trauma of learning about a partner’s affair:
- Concentrate on the basics of living—get yourself to eat and sleep.
- Read some books or see videos on coping with news of infidelity. Talk with marriage experts.
- The cheated spouse can seek effective emotional support—but choose a person/persons who will not misuse your vulnerable condition.
- Postpone any major decisions like separation till you can make an informed decision, not an emotional one.
- As soon as an affair is detected, the couple should try not to begin a blame game.
- In order to set the marriage back on tracks each spouse needs to honestly look deep within him/her and take stock of one’s shortcomings. Together, they should begin anew to work on strengthening the partnership and to meet each other’s needs.
Tips for spouses to guard themselves against extramarital affairs:
- Spouses should nurture their bonding with care because the quality of friendship that the spouses share is an important factor in marital bonding
- Couples should treat other with respect and not take each other for granted
- While you build intimacy and unity in the marriage, have “spaces in your togetherness” in the words of Khalil Gibran
- Manage sudden crises in life—illness, death, natural disasters together, as a shared responsibility in positive ways that enhance the relationship
- Explore ways and means to resolve differences, anger and conflict
- Strive to establish a pleasurable sex life –preferably one that is not monotonous and predictable
- Support each other, sharing in each others' tears, laughter, interests and challenges
In countries like the US, family therapy is managed professionally by organizations like the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). Over 50,000 professionally trained marriage and family therapists treat individuals, couples, and families across the country and try to retain the values of family life in a rapidly changing world.
Counseling for marriages on the rocks following an affair is challenging in India because most often it is not just the couple but their family members also who are in the fray and pull each spouse in a different direction. Married couples are rarely allowed to settle their differences without the intervention of the relatives of the husband and the wife.
