Remaining in a bad abusive marriage not only causes stress, but even clouds your life with frustration, emptiness and despair. It can be depressing and make you feel drained out. This is what happens in addictive relationships in marriages, says Robert Hemfelt in Love Is A Choice: Breaking the Cycle Of Addictive Relationships
, “Addicts become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self- personal identity is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems. Such people struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within them. Some people know that the relationship is not good for them, but despite the pain and sufferings they want to carry on with it.” One part of them wants to go out of the relationship, but the remaining part refuses or feels helpless to take any drastic action.Divorce And Kids
Partners sometimes stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids. But this can be a terrible mistake on their part if there is abuse involved. By doing this parents generally put a mental burden on the children. Bringing up a child in an unhealthy environment where parents are always fighting and trying to put each other down is not a good example that you set for your kids. But marriage experts believe that each marriage has different issues and if the problem can be solved amicably, there is no need for divorce.
However a study conducted by sociologist Linda Waite at the University of Chicago suggests that staying together is good for the development of children. She mentions in, The Case for Marriage
that “most current divorces leave children worse off, educationally and financially, than they would have been if their parents stayed married, and a majority of divorces leave children psychologically worse off as well. Only a minority of divorces are taking place in families where children are likely to benefit in any way from their parents’ separation. I do not advocate divorce as a first step when a marriage is going awry. There are always ups and downs in marriages. Any one can manage life during good times. It is getting through the bad times that makes or breaks a relationship.”
When parents get divorced children definitely are the worst affected. Life becomes very uncertain for kids. The sense of security and stability completely vanishes. They are made to choose a parent whom they wish to stay with and they cannot live with both the parents even if they want to. Overnight one of the parents becomes a visitor and they have no other choice, but accept this cruel reality of life. The child goes through traumatic stress if parents are always fighting and arguing with each other. Divorce And Insecurity In Kids “Children ought not to be victims of the choices adults make for them,”
said Wade Horn (U.S. Assistant Secretary for Children and Families under President George W. Bush). Divorce is a sad topic and can be devastating for the children as
their lives revolve around their parents. It is sad that often parents do not realize it.
“From the time of conception it is the parents who influence a child’s development. It is the parents’ behavior towards each other that leaves a lasting impression on the children. It is the duty of the parents to deal maturely with this delicate relationship that is marriage and not to fight with each other in front of their children. When you have kids it is time for the parents to be selfless and not to be spiteful and selfish,” says psychologist, Dr. Anjali Chabria.
Children get hurt when they see their world and their home breaking into pieces in front of their eyes. They always feel that they are a part of an incomplete family and it becomes all the more traumatic when a parent remarries. They again have to adjust with new developments such as accommodating a new parent in their lives. Parenting Responsibility
“My experience is that divorce is almost always unilateral. It’s not a democracy. One person gets to decide the fate of not only the marriage but the family
,” said Michelle Weiner Davis,
Most marriage experts agree that though divorce is no doubt very painful for kids, to stay in an abusive and unhealthy marriage is also not a very good environment to bring up kids. But when you have kids it is not easy to walk out of the marriage completely. Couples need to understand that when they have children they cannot get rid of each other completely no matter how much they want to.
Divorced couples should realize that even though they are not married to each other anymore they should have a shared healthy parenting. Children should be given the freedom to spend enough time with both the parents. Children’s education should be well taken care by both the parents. At the same time emotional needs of the children should not be ignored no matter what happens. A new research says that divorce can hamper children’s education and mental health. The rates of children dropping out from schools are much more amongst kids from divorced parents than those whose parents stay together.
If the marriage did not work out so the kids should not be blamed for it and hence all decisions should be taken keeping the kid’s future in mind. When parents get divorced it does not mean that they have to hate each other. They can be friends too at least for the well-being of the children.