A new study conducted by researchers at San Francisco State University suggests that as married couples age, they prefer to handle disagreements simply by changing the subject. The study by Sarah Holley, SF State assistant professor of psychology who directs the University's Relationships, Emotion and Health Lab, followed 127 middle-aged and older long-term married couples across 13 years, checking in to see how they communicated about conflicts from housework to finances. The researchers videotaped the couples' 15-minute discussions, noting the types of communication they used when talking about contentious topics.
Holley and her colleagues wanted to see how the couples might change in their use of a common and destructive type of communication, the demand-withdraw pattern, as they aged. In the demand-withdraw pattern, one person in a relationship blames or pressures their partner for a change, while the partner tries to avoid discussion of the problem or passively withdraws from the interaction.
The researchers found that while most aspects of demand-withdraw communication remained steady over time, both husbands and wives "increased their tendency to demonstrate avoidance during conflict," Holley said. That is, when faced with an area of disagreement, both spouses were more likely to do things such as change the subject or divert attention from the conflict.
Avoidance is generally thought to be damaging to relationships as it gets in the way of conflict resolution. For younger couples, who may be grappling with newer issues, this may be particularly true. But for older couples, who have had decades to voice their disagreements, avoidance may be a way to move the conversation away from "toxic" areas and toward more neutral or pleasant topics, the researchers suggest.
"This is in line with age-related shifts in socioemotional goals," Holley said, "wherein individuals tend toward less conflict and greater goal disengagement in later life stages." Several studies have shown, Holley explained, that as people age they place less importance on arguments and seek more positive experiences, perhaps out of a sense of making the most out of their remaining years.
The age of the partners appears to be driving this important communication shift, the researchers suggest, but the change could also be influenced by the length of the couples' relationship. "It may not be an either-or question," Holley said. "It may be that both age and marital duration play a role in increased avoidance." To explore this idea further, she hopes to compare older couples in long-term marriages with older newlywed couples.
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"This can lead to a polarization between the two partners which can be very difficult to resolve and can take a major toll on relationship satisfaction," Holley said.
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The study "Age-Related Changes in Demand – Withdraw Communication Behaviors" was published online on July 1, 2013 in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
Source-Eurekalert