Submitted By: | Current Rating: 1
A Psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!
The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.
The sign read:
PSYCHO-THE-RAPIST...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 6.8
Dr. Sharma, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. 'So, Mr. Patel,' the doctor says to one of his patients, 'I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?' The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, 'Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here.' The patient continued, 'People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately.' Dr. Sharma nods and says, 'Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.' The patient replies, 'And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.' ...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 5.2
What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.
What is the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything....
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 2
Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr.Chowdry. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 1
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some tests.
The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make you think of?" "Sex."
The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question. "Sex," the patient answers again.
The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same response. Sex, sex, and sex.
Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have an obsession with sex." The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty pictures!"...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 6.9
Doctor : "What is three times three?"
...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 5.5
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy
is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embrrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean Rs.800/-??
...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 3.5
It was a reception marking the end of hte academic year for graduating psyhiatry residents.A man whose wife was one of the graduates was left on his own for a short time. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, was
surrounded by what he called a sophisticated group of well-known
professors, residents, spouses andother members of the psychaitric community. He was amused and impressed at the exchange he overheard between two of the professors:
Prof #1: "I want to apologize to you."
Prof #2: "Oh really? For what?"
Prof #1: "Well, over the past six months or so, I fell that I've been rather short with you. I haven't been supportive of your work and I don't think that I've treated you with the respect that you deserve. But I just wanted you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I've been having some personal problems and I never meant to bring these problems to work."
Prof #2: "Oh no, no, no. Don't be silly. It's an honor to be the object
of your transference."
...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 6.9
RING
RING
CLICK
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No one will answer.
...
Submitted By: | Current Rating: 8
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."...
Funny tit bits from everywhere. You're sure to laugh your brains out...
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